WESTCHESTER, MA—Admitting he simply couldn’t shake many of the concerns he had about his current girlfriend, local man Stephen Lashley told reporters Wednesday that he couldn’t be with someone who he projects so many of his flaws onto. “Obviously, Sarah is nice, but when you get down to it, I really can’t see myself spending my life with a person who I subconsciously use to foist off all my insecurities, sexual inadequacies, and personal failings,” said Lashley of the nagging feeling that something was missing from their relationship, a feeling that was only exacerbated when he looked at his partner and immediately deconstructed her into a symbol of his inability to express affection or maintain authentic friendships with virtually anyone in his life. “At first, it was easy to ignore, but pretty soon, it became rather glaring how she was basically just a mental mirror I had created, reflecting back all my worries that I’m not attractive enough or creative or particularly interesting in conversation. Honestly, we’re two very different people: I’m just a regular guy, and she’s a psychic embodiment of all the ways I have failed in life. I don’t know how you reconcile those things.” Lashley admitted that many of his girlfriend’s problems—such as her minuscule penis and fears of ever becoming a father—simply might be unfixable.
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