BALTIMORE—Demonstrating far more passion for his beliefs and capacity for rhetorical flair than actual knowledge of workable climate change solutions, systems analyst Matthew Niles was observed Monday participating in a political argument by blatantly regurgitating the “St. Crispin’s Day” monologue from Henry V. “We had been discussing the idea of carbon offsets and climate taxes, and someone mentioned that not enough people would participate, and suddenly Matt started going off on how if we were to die from the melting ice caps, we were enough to do our country loss; and if to live, the fewer environmentalists, the greater share of honor,” said coworker Alice Hahn, expressing frustration that Niles, a reasonably well-informed person on political issues, resorted to Shakespeare when he felt particularly passionate about an issue. “By the time he started shouting about how ‘the feast of Earth Day shall ne’er go by, from this day to the ending of the world, but we in it shall be rememberèd,’ I was like, I’m outta here. I had enough of the whole band-of-brothers thing back when Bernie [Sanders] won New Hampshire.” At press time, Niles was reminding his assistant manager of a particularly monumental political argument about marijuana legalization he had won in a garden where leeks did grow.
More from The Onion