PENSACOLA, FL—Taking a moment to focus and get his bearings, local man Pete Harrington reportedly stood in the middle of his kitchen Monday trying to remember what he got married, bought a house, had three kids, and went in there for. “Hold on, there has to be a reason I proposed to Michelle, spent $500,000 on a home, started a family, and opened the pantry,” Harrington reportedly said to himself, struggling to recall what he was thinking 10 years, eight years, seven years, and two minutes ago. “Okay, I gave up my life as a bachelor, found a stable 9-to-5 job, put down roots in the suburbs, and walked in here, but I just can’t put my finger on why—oh well, I’m sure it’ll come to me eventually.” At press time, Harrington was carefully retracing his steps back to New Year’s Eve 2001.

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