MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him. “Given how many times in the past month I’ve showed up to work on two hours of sleep and just stared at my computer in total silence, I’d kind of expected someone to ask me if everything’s all right at home or at least tell me I look tired lately, but so far I haven’t heard a thing,” said Uhler, adding that he thought the frequency with which he places his face in his hands and mutters morosely to himself would have been a clear indication that he was completely unraveling and prompted somebody at some point to stop by his cubicle. “I was sure when our HR manager asked me to speak with her last week it would be to discuss why I constantly look like I’m on the verge of tears during meetings, but it turns out she just wanted to explain changes to our 401K plan. I feel like my entire life is collapsing and I can barely stay afloat, but every email I get from coworkers is just about jumping on a client call or finishing up my monthly reports.” When reached for comment, Uhler’s colleagues confirmed they had noticed his breakdown weeks ago but simply didn’t give a shit.
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