Man Hasn’t Heard Or Read Single True Thing In 6 Years

Illustration for article titled Man Hasn’t Heard Or Read Single True Thing In 6 Years

KANSAS CITY—Despite engaging frequently with the world through watching TV, browsing social media, and conversing with coworkers, local man Jonathan Huston has not heard or read a single true thing in the past six years, sources confirmed Monday. Those close to Huston indicated that in spite of—or, perhaps, because of—his near daily use of platforms such as Facebook and Twitter and calls to close family stretching back to 2014, the local electrician not only has heard tens of thousands of patently untrue statements, conspiracy theories, and outright lies about the state of his country, world, and, indeed, the very universe within which he resides, but actually frames his worldview explicitly around such complete fabrications. In fact, beyond absorbing a tidal wave of untruths spanning culture, politics, science, his social network, and dozens of other vital topics while reading message boards, watching YouTube videos, and speaking with friends over the past 72 months, Huston reportedly also parrots such falsehood back to the world both online and in person by repeating false assertions about the risk level posed by climate change, the president’s impending arrest, the quality of Taco Bell’s Quesarito, immigration rates, the beliefs of the average Republican voter, the enjoyability of the film The Lazarus Effect, Brett Gardner’s rumored trade to the Mets, quotes misattributed to Lyndon B. Johnson, the beliefs of the average Democratic voter, how effective trickle-down economics is in practice versus in theory, China’s role in causing the present coronavirus pandemic, who played bass guitar on Eric Clapton’s 1969 single “Cold Turkey,” how to best quiet a crying infant, Thomas Edison’s role in executing an elephant, the functional importance of the Department of the Interior, the physical properties of glass, France’s current president’s name, the possible starting lineup of the Kansas City Royals in the upcoming 21 season, and an untold number of other statements with zero basis in reality. At press time, sources confirmed that Huston last encountered a factual piece of information in 2014 when a friend noted that Justin Timberlake’s 20/20 Experience was “pretty good.”

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