LEAVENWORTH, WA—After he was unable to come up with a precise age for any of the dozens of people in his life, sources confirmed Monday that local man Edward Warriner has absolutely no clue how old anyone he knows is. “My dad’s probably in his late 50s, so that means my mom has to be somewhere around there, too, but I’m not totally sure,” said Warriner, adding that he was pretty confident that all of his friends were 28 or 29, just like him, but quickly admitted that he had nothing to base that on. “I think my niece is in middle school—or, come to think of it, maybe it’s high school—she’s definitely a teen or a pre-teen. Oh! My grandpa just had a birthday, and it was his 85th—no, 95th? That can’t be right.” Warriner added that he wasn’t sure how old any of his coworkers were either and, now that he thought about it, he realized that he didn’t know a single one of their names.

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