AKRON, OH—Revealing a strategy for protecting himself from criticism, local man Blake Cotton reportedly speculated Wednesday that if anyone ever calls him out on privilege, he’ll just make something up about being molested. “I mean, if someone ever tells me to think about how my position as a white male informs my viewpoint, I’ll probably just say that my dad diddled me,” said Cotton, explaining that pretending he was sexually abused by a camp counselor or touched by a priest was a pretty foolproof plan for getting people off his back for being a cisgendered straight man. “Granted, I’m from a pretty wealthy family, but all I really have to do is cryptically allude to what happens in rich homes behind closed doors. There’s no way they’re asking follow-up questions after that, and if they do, I can claim that I repressed all the memories from the traumatic event and I’m golden.” At press time, the person Cotton was speaking to informed him that they had also been molested.
More from The Onion