COLUMBUS, OH—Emphasizing that such an impressive feat should not be taken for granted, local man Nathan Montgomery told reporters Wednesday he was incredibly grateful to live in a society where a mattress just disappears if it’s left outside on the sidewalk for a couple days. “It’s nice to know that we have developed a culture in which, if you decide you no longer want a mattress, you can just drag it out to the curb, and two or three days later, it won’t be there anymore,” said Montgomery, marveling at how a member of our society need not even call anyone or tape up a sign alerting others that the mattress is free for the taking, and it would still vanish without a trace in little more than 48 hours. “I think it’s important to take a moment to appreciate a system that makes unwanted mattresses just go away. Imagine living in another, less enlightened civilization where you had to haul them to some kind of special disposal place. How thankful we should all be to live right here.” At press time, Montgomery told reporters he also greatly appreciates being a part of a society where you can just vomit in public and never have to worry about cleaning it up.

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