HYANNIS, MA—Officially transferring authority for the duration of his planned absence, area man Will Lewis deputized his friend to order him another beer while he went to the restroom, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Hey, grab me another drink if the bartender comes back around,” said Lewis during a brief ceremony in which he pointed to his near-empty pint glass and formally vested in his buddy Drew Arbery the powers needed to both select another brew for him and place it upon his tab. “I could go for a wheat beer or maybe a pilsner. Really, anything’s fine, as long as it’s not too hoppy. Thanks, man!” At press time, Arbery had reportedly been dishonorably discharged from his position for having neglected his duty by ordering an 11-percent-alcohol triple IPA.

Advertisement