MILFORD, DE—Informed by doctors that he suffers from a terminal form of cancer and has only 12 weeks to live, local man Stephen Hewitt told reporters Wednesday that he plans to toss one or two non-sexual activities onto his list of things to do before he dies. “I could probably make room for a day trip to the Grand Canyon or maybe squeeze in a World Series game, but it’ll be tough to do much more than that,” said the man who will otherwise be spending the remainder of his life gratifying every single sexual desire he has ever had. “I mean, I’d love to go to the Great Wall of China, but I’ve got a really packed schedule as it is. I’ll have to make some tough decisions.” Hewitt suggested that he could check multiple items off his bucket list if he found someone who would lick his balls while skydiving.
More from The Onion