MINEOLA, NY—Ashamed anew with each new thought that entered his consciousness, local man Paul Bridges reported Monday that he was filled with embarrassment about every opinion that he has ever articulated. “Oh my god, I can’t believe I told everyone how much I loved going on cruises, or that Rockapella’s original songs were actually pretty good, or that I supported invading Iraq, or that my favorite book was The DaVinci Code,” said the 31-year-old, explaining that every preference he has expressed in his lifetime, from food to politics to pop culture to technology, inevitably became a source of complete mortification. “Jesus, and all those things I said when I met my girlfriend’s parents, or had my review at work, or wrote my third-grade book report—I’ve never once had a point of view that didn’t come back to humiliate me.” Bridges went on to say that his dignity was worth fighting for, however, only to realize that that was his most embarrassing opinion yet.

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