Man Catches Himself Scrolling Social Media While He Supposed To Be Masturbating

Illustration for article titled Man Catches Himself Scrolling Social Media While He Supposed To Be Masturbating

KENT, WA—Struggling to focus on completing the simple task, local man Simon Ford had reportedly caught himself scrolling social media Monday while he was supposed to be masturbating. “Goddamnit, I’ve gotten sidetracked again—it’s like I have no attention span today,” said Ford, shaking his head in frustration as he tried to recall how he had gone from browsing PornHub to reading an in-depth Twitter thread on the student loan debt crisis in the first place. “I was so productive when I started, and now it’s been 30 minutes and I’ve barely touched myself. It’s pathetic. It was hard enough to carve out the time in my schedule to do this, and now that I’m here, I’m totally squandering it. Come on, concentrate!” At press time, Ford had made a deal with himself that if he put in his best effort and still hadn’t ejaculated in 15 minutes, he would allow himself to give up and go watch TV.

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