PEABODY, MA—Noting that it had been months since he had been able to feel truly clean, local man Evan Kornhauser told reporters Monday that he could not wait for the quarantine to end so that he could finally shower again. “Everyone has to make sacrifices, I know, but I have to admit that I’ve really missed bathing for the past eight or nine weeks,” said Kornhauser, describing the struggle of adapting to the growing, deeply unpleasant body funk that had developed in his studio apartment as a result of the warming weather and his inability to scrub his body with soapy water during the lockdown. “Just to be super careful, I haven’t even entered my bathroom since March. The place reeks because of me, but that’s just the price you have to pay for being safe. It’s sad because there are some people like my cousin in Florida who don’t care about the rules and are showering pretty much every day. I’m just a little more of a responsible guy, I guess.” Kornhauser went on to stress that in order to observe all necessary precautions, he was determined to hold off on showering for several months after the quarantine ended.
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