ROCKFORD, IL—Unclenching his fists as blood spilled from fingernail lacerations on his palms, area man Dan Collins reportedly calmed from a violent rage Tuesday after he noticed a misaddressed letter also included “or current resident” as the intended recipient. “Oh, thank God,” said Collins, panting as a pulsing vein receded into his forehead and anger dissolved into recognition and finally into acceptance. “The insult that I suffered upon receiving this piece of mail for one ‘Patrick Fox’—the nerve! My...name...isn’t...Patrick! Alright, Dan, it’s alright, here you are just a centimeter lower—‘current resident’—that’s me, alright. Good, my brain doesn’t feel hot anymore, and I no longer need to seek revenge upon my mailman in the form of a violent ambush, as I had planned just moments ago before I saw that ‘or.’ Whew! Close one.” At press time, Collins had reportedly devoured the Bed Bath & Beyond catalog that was addressed to him and him alone.

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