Man Assures Self He’ll Leave Cult After Everyone Starts Having Sex But Before All The Really Bad Stuff

Illustration for article titled Man Assures Self He’ll Leave Cult After Everyone Starts Having Sex But Before All The Really Bad Stuff

SEDONA, AZ—Determined to time his exit in order to take full advantage of the group’s shared mentality, religious experimenter Matthew Hagy assured himself Monday that he would leave his cult after everyone starts having sex but well before any really bad stuff started to happen. “I’m definitely going to stick around for the transcendent orgies—because really, why else would I have joined—but I’m out of here the second they ask me for a blood sacrifice,” said Hagy, who admitted that while he had yet to participate in any hours-long group sex sessions, he had already donated a considerable amount of time and money to the cult and he hadn’t come this far just to bail. “Listen, I know what I signed up for, and it’s not being force-fed psychedelics or kidnapping children. I’m going to get in a few good romps with matron counsel, and then it’s over. The moment one of the Brothers Exultant gives me a ceremonial handgun and tells me to kill a senator, I’m out the door.” At press time, Hagy had decided to “just roll with it” upon realizing the sex and the bad stuff were inextricably intertwined.

Advertisement

Share This Story

Get our newsletter