SAN FRANCISCO—Voicing frustration with a strategy that had inexplicably failed to pay off, local man Cole Peterson admitted to reporters Friday that he assumed being a heartless, egotistical maniac would have made him richer by now. “I really thought being a cutthroat asshole at work and selling out all my friends and family would have got me to the top by now, but here I am, still stuck in the same dead-end job as a decade ago,” said Peterson, who explained he just found it odd how someone could unsuccessfully accumulate any substantial wealth despite operating like a textbook sociopath under any given circumstance in their personal and professional lives. “I’ve been laser-focused on getting ahead at all costs since the start of my career, so why am I still driving a 2004 Mazda? I’m definitely just as much of a power-hungry lunatic as Jeff Bezos and Mark Zuckerberg. I’ve treated every one of my relationships like a networking connection and backstabbed coworkers at every chance I could get. I don’t know what else the universe needs me to do to give me the wealth I deserve.” At press time, Peterson decided the next best course of action was to just kill people and take their money.

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