Man Assumed Being Heartless, Egotistical Maniac Would Have Made Him Richer By Now

Illustration for article titled Man Assumed Being Heartless, Egotistical Maniac Would Have Made Him Richer By Now

SAN FRANCISCO—Voicing frustration with a strategy that had inexplicably failed to pay off, local man Cole Peterson admitted to reporters Friday that he assumed being a heartless, egotistical maniac would have made him richer by now. “I really thought being a cutthroat asshole at work and selling out all my friends and family would have got me to the top by now, but here I am, still stuck in the same dead-end job as a decade ago,” said Peterson, who explained he just found it odd how someone could unsuccessfully accumulate any substantial wealth despite operating like a textbook sociopath under any given circumstance in their personal and professional lives. “I’ve been laser-focused on getting ahead at all costs since the start of my career, so why am I still driving a 2004 Mazda? I’m definitely just as much of a power-hungry lunatic as Jeff Bezos and Mark Zuckerberg. I’ve treated every one of my relationships like a networking connection and backstabbed coworkers at every chance I could get. I don’t know what else the universe needs me to do to give me the wealth I deserve.” At press time, Peterson decided the next best course of action was to just kill people and take their money.

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