TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported. “Whoa, now!” Dolan reportedly said, his body bucking wildly under alternating scalding and freezing water as he busily pulled and twisted the knobs to and fro, summoning the full capacities of his manhood to bend the uncooperative plumbing fixtures to his will. “Easy there. Easy!” After several minutes of continuous struggle, Dolan reportedly achieved some level of mastery over the unfamiliar shower, only to be violently thrown backward by a blast of water so hot and sustained after the upstairs toilet was flushed that he had to quickly flee the tub and seek refuge away from the unruly beast.

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