WILMER, TX—Fretting over what such a display of weakness would do to his reputation, local man Neil Rockfield told sources Thursday he was afraid of seeming vulnerable if he reached out to the fire department for help with an out-of-control blaze. “I always learned growing up that a real man puts out his own house fire, and I’ll just feel so lame letting them know I can’t deal with this,” said Rockfield, adding that just the idea of putting himself out there and admitting he couldn’t handle a raging fire in his living room and kitchen made him feel sick to his stomach. “The awkwardness of talking to a complete stranger on the phone and saying, ‘Hey, can you help me?’ is too much. They’ll probably want to know how bad it is, too. I don’t know if I can humiliate myself by asking another grown adult to drive a fire truck over here. My dad would have never done something like this.” At press time, Rockfield decided to go to bed and see how he felt about the situation in the morning.
More from The Onion