CHARLOTTE, NC—Calling the woman perfectly suited to bear the brunt of her pre-wedding psychosis, bride-to-be Emily Cervantes said on Thursday that she specifically picked her maid of honor Jessica Cross for her ability to take an emotional beating. “Jessica isn’t even my very best friend, but she is by far the most able to endure my ever-changing whims, exasperatingly unclear directives, and, of course, tantrum after tantrum,” said Cervantes, adding that no one else in her inner circle had the mental fortitude to withstand that level of trauma and still be able to plan the perfect bachelorette weekend. “It’s going to get pretty dicey, and only someone like Jessica could wade through that kind of psychological shitstorm and not fall apart like a house of cards.” Cervantes added that Cross was also ideal because the experience wouldn’t leave her all that damaged if she had to go through this again in five years.

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