SADDLE RIVER, NEW JERSEY—In a continuation of his alarming tendency to wander off as a result of his advanced dementia, grandfather of nine Cy Gottlieb, 85, was found hundreds of miles from home Wednesday when authorities discovered him wandering around the International Space Station. “We are happy to report that after an exhaustive search, we have found my grandfather with the help of the ISS, who notified us that he had made his way on board,” said Gottlieb’s granddaughter Lydia Rabon, 36, explaining that while security camera footage showed Gottlieb leaving his nursing home, exactly how the confused senior citizen got from New Jersey to low Earth orbit was anyone’s guess. “We’re just relieved that the Russian astronauts were kind when they found him floating around the research module half-naked and asking for soup. Without their help, this could have ended up as badly as that time we found Grandpa at the summit of K2.” When found, Gottlieb had absentmindedly taken control of the space station and was asking anyone if they needed anything from the grocery store while piloting it toward the sun.
More from The Onion