DENVER—Apartment 3A sources confirmed Tuesday that 26-year-old Stephen Refkin has become a gaping, all-consuming vortex from which no paper towel roll is capable of escaping. "He uses so many paper towels," roommate Jeff Dunowitz said Thursday, estimating that over the past month three eight-packs of Bounty Basic have vanished into the limitless void. "As soon as he buys them, they're gone." If left unchecked, many theorize that Refkin could collapse into a gravitational singularity, threatening surrounding napkins, tissues, and perhaps even toilet paper.
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