MORENO VALLEY, CA—Kicking himself for focusing all his energy on the wrong thing, local liberal Brian Whitmore reportedly felt like an idiot Tuesday for placing the entirety of his hopes on Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s probe into President Trump instead of the New York state prosecutors’ investigation. “I can’t believe I was so naive as to think that the Mueller report would be the silver bullet implicating Trump in criminal election interference when it’s obviously going to be the Southern District inquiry,” said lifelong Democrat Whitmore, 31, adding that while he was still disappointed Mueller’s report hadn’t found the president guilty of collusion with Russia, several news articles he had just read made it clear to him that the U.S. Attorney’s Office for the Southern District of New York held all the real investigative power. “How could I have missed it before? It was always going to be impossible for Mueller to prove Trump colluded, but the campaign finance allegations—that’s where the real action is. In fact, this was probably just what Mueller wanted all along. He did what he could do with his limited investigative mandate and now he’s handing off the probe to state prosecutors who will have a much wider purview to throw the book at Trump. I mean, they’re already working with Michael Cohen, and I bet that’s only the beginning. I just feel so dumb for spending all that time obsessing over the Mueller investigation when I should’ve been spending all my time obsessing over the New York one.” At press time, Whitmore was looking into getting his tattoo of Robert Mueller removed so he could replace it with one of New York federal prosecutor Audrey Strauss.
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