TOLEDO, OH—Delaying his usual afternoon session until such time as he felt genuine creative purpose, local man Andy Conrad decided to wait for a spark of inspiration before getting started on his masturbating. “I’ve been putting it off for most of the day because I really need to be in the right state of mind,” said Conrad, whose efforts to maintain a consistent schedule of self-pleasuring for 20 minutes each day had established a fragile momentum, but at the cost of novelty and quality. “I was on a hot streak for a while, but you can’t force true inspiration, especially in the morning. Masturbating every day can be a real grind, and I’m trying to avoid just going through the motions. I know some people can just force themselves to pound one out, but I need to have a strong, clear vision and sense of direction. I heard Ernest Hemingway could just set his jaw and go at any hour of the day or night, but I just can’t operate like that.” At press time, Conrad had decided to take a walk in the park to clear his mind and possibly get some material.

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