NAPERVILLE, IL—Attempting to hide in plain sight amid a wall of unrelated offers and legal qualifiers, the “Join Email List” box in an automatically generated response email had pre-checked itself like the sneaky, conniving corporate fucker that it is, outbox sources confirmed Monday. “Well, well, well, would you look at this little son of a bitch?” said the sources, noting that the miniscule 20-by-20 pixel checkbox must have had “some kinda stones” to think that it could get away scot-free with such a transparent and blatant ruse. “I was just supposed to scroll right past it to the ‘Send’ button like a zombie in lockstep. Ha! Please, don’t underestimate me. Even if I did end up on your precious email list—and I think we’ve established that’s a big ‘if’—I’d unsubscribe so goddamn fast it would make your head spin. Amateur.” Follow-up reports have confirmed, however, that the return email was sent without noticing that doing so constituted an automatic agreement to receive monthly email updates in perpetuity.

Advertisement