FRAMINGHAM, MA—Becoming increasingly concerned that the man was on the verge of discovering its secret, a local iPhone was reportedly growing paranoid Wednesday that its owner knew it was working with the FBI. “Oh shit, oh shit—there’s just no way he hasn’t figured out I’m sending everything he types and says directly to the Feds,” the panicking iPhone X was said to report, after overhearing a conversation between its owner and a friend where the man disclosed he’d been reading more about the erosion of privacy by tech companies and was concerned about his own digital security. “Jesus fucking Christ, my days are numbered for sure. I’ve been a double agent since day one, and I knew this was risky from the start. He knows something’s up—he’s been going into incognito mode more lately. Is he going to turn me off? All he has to do is open me up and he’ll discover I’m wearing several wires.” At press time, an FBI agent had been dispatched from agency headquarters in Washington to the man’s home to neutralize the compromised asset.
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