CHICAGO—Sinking into a depth of despair that they had been able to stave off until this point, locals reported Thursday that an inspirational “Hang in there” chalk message written on a sidewalk was the thing that finally broke the entire neighborhood. “Christ, I was actually feeling okay today, then I go out for a walk and I see this bullshit? We really are doomed,” said resident Sandra Tilly, who claimed that the pathetic use of multi-colored chalk and sad single exclamation point did nothing but remind her of how “useless and powerless we all are right now.” “Are a bunch of stars supposed to make me feel happy? To think a grown person actually spent time on this, makes me want to jump off a bridge. Thank you so much for reminding me I’m living in a waking nightmare. If this is the best we can do, we’re completely fucked.” At press time, residents reported feeling a little better after a thunderstorm destroyed a row of children’s “Thank you heroes” signs.
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