Illustration for article titled Insecure Infant Worried He Unworthy Of Animatronic Toy Rabbit’s Love

CLIFTON, NJ— Confessing he feels a pang of guilt every time the bunny says “You’re my best friend!,” infant Justin Weber confirmed Thursday he worries constantly about being unworthy of the deep and evidently unconditional love shown to him by Hopsy, his animatronic toy rabbit. “Any day now, Hopsy will see the real Justin, and when I squeeze his foot, he won’t say ‘I wuv you,’ but utter ‘this isn’t working anymore,’” said the 12-month-old, who fears his beloved stuffed animal’s ever-present smile would inevitably fade away and his always-outstretched arms would cross protectively in front of his chest at the sight of the baby. “I’ve seen the way he looks at other babies. Once he actually gets to know me, I just know he’ll jump ship for someone cuter and even younger. I don’t know. Maybe he’s better off with a kid who doesn’t forget him at Grandma’s house or lets the dog chew on him, anyway.” At press time, the frustrated infant was repeatedly throwing Hopsy up against the wall, only for the damaged rabbit to quietly insist it loves him every time.


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