Illustration for article titled Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day. “The second Eric showed up today, he sat right down at his desk, fired off a few quick emails, and then spent the next couple hours browsing Facebook—he’s really got the hang of this,” said coworker Janice Grant, who expressed a deep respect for how swiftly Myers learned the ins and outs of putting in an hour or two of minor effort, telling supervisors that he was going to need extra time to work on assignments, and then coasting through the rest of the workday. “It took me a few months before I had a firm grasp on cutting corners, blowing off tasks, and doing a half-assed job on stuff so I could just kick back most of the day. Eric’s a natural, though; he just has an innate knack for phoning it in.” At press time, several employees were reportedly shaking their heads in surprise and admiration after noticing their new coworker had taken an hour and a half for lunch.


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