Illustration for article titled If Woman Makes It Through This, She Finally Going To Wear Hat In Public

RALEIGH, NC—Vowing to make bolder, less boring choices with her wardrobe going forward, local woman Helen Sletski announced Tuesday that if she survived the coronavirus pandemic and her state’s ongoing lockdown, she would go through with long-deferred plans to wear a hat in public. “Life’s too short—I see that now—and when this is all over, I’m finally ready to just go for it,” Sletski said as she sorted through a box of unworn berets, fedoras, ball caps, and beanies that had been purchased over the course of the past decade and relegated to the back of her closet before she had actually worn them anywhere. “I never appreciated the freedom I had to just throw on a bowler, walk outside, and keep it on my head through brunch until that freedom was snatched away from me. No longer will I put on my denim bucket hat and spend an hour wondering what everyone will think of it or worrying that it makes my face look too round. Fuck that. The next time you see me, I’ll either be making this wide-brimmed wicker sun hat work for me or I’ll be dead!” At press time, Sletski was overheard saying she was kidding herself if she thought she could pull off a fez without looking like a “big fat idiot.”

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