JERSEY CITY, NJ—Shrugging while pulling the several-months-old vegetable out of a bag on her counter, local woman Janice Freidman reportedly inspected a writhing, screaming potato with 8-foot-long roots Friday before deeming it “probably still good.” “I bet it’s fine—if I just cut off the spiked, muscular tendrils and peel the thick, green-ish skin, I can bake it and it’ll be good as new,” said Freidman, who, after taking a knife and stabbing the potato a few times, noted that despite the spud’s toothy, frothing mouth and constant shrieking, its texture and smell were not that concerning. “Sure, I probably should have used this like a week ago, but as long as I can free my wrist from these tendrils, it’ll be perfectly good to eat. Next time, I’ll definitely keep it out of direct sunlight, and—oh my God. It’s biting. Ow. Get it off of me!” At press time, the potato could be heard gurgling words in broken English, asking how to know exactly when a human has gone bad.
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