WHITE PLAINS, NY—Expressing hope that the request wouldn’t be too much of a hassle, houseguest Brian Olson reportedly asked his friend Kyle Gwinn last night if he could borrow a blanket that has never once been washed. “It’d be great if I could just get a blanket that’s been used by 10 previous guests that no one has ever bothered to clean at any time,” said Olson, adding that he would be happy to take any stained quilt or musty comforter that has been crumpled up on the closet floor next to the vacuum for the past half decade or more. “If you have a somewhat-soiled blanket that you used to soak up melting snow from winter boots or that you put on top of the car to have a layer between the roof and your Christmas tree, that’d be great. Or even just a filthy old blanket you used as a bed for a sick, elderly cat for several months. Thanks.” Olson, who also inquired about taking a shower, was reportedly offered a fraying, damp towel hanging on a doorknob.
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