COLUMBUS, OH—Marveling at the bronzed perfection of the figure lounging in Goodale Park, sources confirmed Friday that homeless man Eddie Kowalcek had a really nice summer tan going. “Wow, that guy just looks incredible,” said Spencer Dawson, 26, adding that the evenly tanned homeless schizophrenic must have spent months lying on the beach to build up such a flawless golden-brown skin tone. “Seriously, I almost want to ask him what his secret is, because I usually can’t stay outside for more than 15 minutes without burning. But this guy is apparently fine just soaking in the rays outside of his tent without even a dab of sunscreen. You’d think he might overheat with that full beard, too, but nope. God, I look like complete shit next to him.” At press time, Dawson begrudgingly accepted that some people just have all the luck.

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