BARTERFELD, TX—In an effort to demonstrate respect toward his date’s father, high school senior Marty DeLesko promised Patrick Bannon he would have the local man’s soon-to-be pregnant daughter home by midnight at the latest, sources reported Thursday. “Don’t worry, sir, we won’t stay out too late,” said the 17-year-old, telling the man his daughter and a fertilized human egg resulting from eight minutes of unprotected intercourse would be back under his roof before he knew it. “I wouldn’t want her to miss her curfew.” Bannon reportedly nodded and replied that if DeLesko brought his impregnated daughter back even one minute after 12, the young man would be “in serious trouble.”

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