Illustration for article titled Half Hour Of Constant Rubbing Somehow Fails To Soothe Irritated Eye

BALTIMORE—Perplexed by the method’s failure to soothe his discomfort, local man Drew Lindstrom confirmed Wednesday that his eye remained itchy and irritated, even after 30 minutes of constant rubbing. “I’ve been getting in there and really working at it with my knuckle, but if anything, it looks even more bloodshot now,” said the puffy-eyed 24-year-old, wondering aloud how it was possible for the redness and inflammation to have worsened since he began intensely kneading his cornea with an unwashed thumb. “Seriously, I don’t get it. No matter how hard I dig my knuckle into this sucker, it’s still not feeling any better. Maybe I just haven’t gone deep enough yet? I’ll give it 15 more minutes, but my hand’s really starting to cramp.” At press time, reports confirmed the pressure had subsided and Lindstrom was feeling much better after he had finally massaged his eyeball hard enough for it to burst.


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