ST. PAUL, MN—Describing the majority of attendees as “acquaintances at best,” birthday celebrant Megan Randall stated publicly Tuesday that a surprise birthday party organized by her boyfriend, Kevin Collins, displayed a less-than-minimal familiarity with her social circle. “I frankly haven’t spoken to some of these people in years,” said Randall, 29, disclosing that roughly a third of the revelers who burst out of her darkened kitchen upon her return from work appeared to have been members of her boyfriend’s flag football team. “I went to college with Beth, but that was 10 years ago and we really didn’t even hang out then. The vibe was super weird because nobody seemed to know anybody else. What was Kevin thinking? There’s a guy here I dumped in high school. And he completely left out Sophia, my best friend. Honestly, it’s like he saw some pictures and heard some stories from my college days and just invited those people, which is strange since he’s heard me talk a ton of shit about them.” An explanation for the incident is not expected to be immediately forthcoming, as Randall temporarily suspended communication with her boyfriend the moment her intercom was buzzed by a group of former coworkers brandishing a bottle of Fireball.

Advertisement