CHICAGO—Elated with his discovery of an establishment that fits seamlessly into both his daily routine and his self-destructive lifestyle, local grocery shopper Alan Cordova, who has a serious and debilitating problem, announced Monday that the bar at his local grocery store actually has a great little happy hour. “You’d be surprised, but they actually have a pretty good selection of craft beer on draft, and the wines by the glass are only four or five bucks. Sometimes, I’ll even go and hang out there when I don’t need groceries,” Cordova said of his local Mariano’s Fresh Market, where he has spent an average of $235 a week for the past month and from which he has brought home a large bottle of Tums, eight cans of Progresso Chicken and Sausage Gumbo, and a 24-pack of toilet paper. “The happy hour only lasts from 3-6 p.m., but if you stay later, they stretch the prices another half an hour or so. Some people even grab wine to sip while they shop, but I like to just sit there and chat with the bartenders, who are decent folks and will wait for your Uber with you after closing. There’s even sometimes a guy who plays piano nearby, which is nice because it helps drown out the shoppers, but if you go on weekday afternoons like me, it’s usually pretty quiet anyway.” Management at Mariano’s declined to comment at length, citing their legal responsibility not to discuss ongoing public intoxication lawsuits, but did say they hoped that Cordova was getting the help he needs.

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