SPARTA, OH—Reflecting wryly on the latest batch of rookies to head its way, a grizzled beer can being used as an ashtray reportedly watched Monday as another cocky 12-pack came and went through the patio. “These new cans breeze in, fresh and clean from the grocery store shelf, thinking they’re hot shit, but I guarantee you by the end of the night, they’ll all be lying facedown in a recycling bin somewhere,” said the dented 12-ounce Pabst Blue Ribbon can, confirming that it had yet to encounter another can with the tenacity to hold the cigarette butts and rainwater that had allowed it to maintain its position for so long. “Witbiers, sours, IPAs—I’ve survived ’em all. They think they’re so damn special because they’re a microbrew or they have some extra-high A.B.V., but that’s not how things work in the real world. Most of these new cans will never even make it past the first round of flip cup. I tell you, the things I’ve seen happen to beer cans on this back porch would make you shudder.” At press time, the can had reportedly resigned itself to a long, lonely winter until a new group of beverage vessels arrived next spring.
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