APPLETON, WI—Noting that the message had been received loud and fucking clear already, attendees of Appleton West High School’s graduation ceremony Saturday reported the whole thing had turned into one big, broken record concerning their late classmate Chelsea Heckel’s sudden death in a car accident. “When the dean opened with a speech dedicating the ceremony to Chelsea, it was a nice little touch, but 10 minutes later, Principal Garrison launched into a lecture about the unifying power of tragedy. Come on, you don’t need to repeat it a million fucking times,” said graduate Jake Cash, who was briefly interrupted by the opening notes of Wiz Khalifa’s “See You Again” as Heckel’s varsity softball teammates introduced a heartfelt slideshow featuring photos of their deceased teammate. “We get it—she was taken from us far too soon but her spirit lives on in each and every one of us and we’ll keep her alive in our hearts, but please, keep this shit moving, okay?” At press time, the class valedictorian had begun her commencement speech by alluding to a recent tragic event that really changed her outlook on life.

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