Fucking Lightweight Hospitalized For Coronavirus On First Night Of College

Illustration for article titled Fucking Lightweight Hospitalized For Coronavirus On First Night Of College

BOISE, ID—In an embarrassing demonstration by a freshman who absolutely cannot hang, sources confirmed Monday that fucking lightweight Riley Kinnebeck was hospitalized for coronavirus on his first night of college. “Seriously, though, who coughs until they collapse and has to be taken away in an ambulance at the very first party of freshman year?” said residence hallmate Troy Lovell, who noted Kinnebeck already seemed feverish and short of breath as they pregamed in a fellow freshman’s dorm room. “We wouldn’t have even brought Riley with us to the Delta Sig party if we knew he was going to completely puss out and only do, like, three seconds of his first keg stand before starting to wheeze. I was trying to talk to this girl, and she was all like, ‘Is that really sick guy your friend?’ Then the ambulance totally killed the vibe, with the EMTs trying to get him conscious and all. I guess maybe don’t get coronavirus if you can’t handle it. What a bitch.” Student sources also contrasted the lightweight Kinnebeck’s humiliation with heroic exploits of fellow freshman Bryce Viello, who was powering through his coronavirus like a total fucking legend.

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