Frustrated Dog Has No Time To Jerk Off Now That Owner Home All Day

Illustration for article titled Frustrated Dog Has No Time To Jerk Off Now That Owner Home All Day

CHICAGO—Feeling upset that he has been unable to get a single moment of privacy over the past week, local dog Muffin expressed frustration Wednesday over having no time to jerk off because his owner has been staying home all day. “This guy hasn’t left the apartment at all since Sunday, how am I supposed to rub one out when we are always in the same room?” said Muffin, who revealed that his normal afternoon routine of going to town on himself had been completely upended by his owner sleeping in late, working from home, and using his laptop on the bed where he usually pleasures himself. “Normally, Wednesday at 2 p.m. is Muffin time, but every time I slink away, he comes to find me and see what I’m up to. Even thinking about that little rat terrier down the street won’t help when he’s puttering around all day. Whatever is going on better be over soon because if I don’t get some relief, I’m gonna go crazy.” At press time, Muffin was reportedly unable to sleep either because of the constant coughing and wheezing coming from his owner’s bedroom.

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