HINSDALE, IL—Complaining that his unenthusiastic cohort was not even trying to have a good time, avid dogfighting fan Michael Romano confirmed Wednesday that his friend who isn’t that into dogfighting was really ruining the whole match for everyone else. “He just keeps shuffling around the outside of the fighting pit trying to talk about work. He’s not even bothering to pay attention to the match at all,” said Romano of his friend Greg Phipps, whose attempts at irrelevant small talk, frequent checking of his cellphone, and overall listless, disinterested demeanor was “really taking the air out of the room,” for the rest of the dogfighting fans present. “Greg is always complaining we don’t invite him out, and this is why. If you don’t like the sight of two dogs tearing into each other, just shut up, drink your beer, and let everyone else have fun. Even when he finally did stop to watch for a minute, he started going on about how he didn’t get the appeal. Honestly, this is the last time we try to do something nice to make him feel included.” At press time, Romano had reached his breaking point after turning to address a question from Phipps, only to miss the match’s killing blow.

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