BOSTON—Deciding against putting out the money to hire a service, local man Dylan Curtis reportedly told friends Friday that he was probably just going to move apartments by renting a U-Haul and having a nervous breakdown. “I think I might just rent a truck and suffer a complete mental collapse rather than paying out the ass for some movers,” said Curtis, adding that there was no reason to pay hundreds extra if he could just as easily have a panic attack trying to parallel park a box truck on a narrow one-way street by himself. “Once I stop freaking out about the fact that I have to load an entire truck by myself, all that money I save goes right in my pocket. I’m not sure I need some pricey movers to lug my stuff over when it’s so much easier for me to curl up in the fetal position halfway up the stairs when I suddenly realize I have no business dragging a heavy dresser up to my fifth-floor walk-up all alone.” At press time, Curtis was screaming after dropping a television on his foot but was reportedly glad he could put the cash he would’ve wasted on movers toward his hospital bill.

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