PHILADELPHIA—Saying she had been extremely flaky since meeting her new boyfriend in an enchanted forest, a local group of twentysomethings expressed annoyance Monday that they never see Melissa anymore now that she’s dating a guy who keeps her locked away in a chamber at the top of the tallest tower. “Honestly, it feels like I haven’t seen her in forever because all she wants to do is hang out with some mysterious hunchback who built a 40-feet spire just to hold her,” said close friend Yessenia Ruiz, adding that Melissa had only known her new boyfriend for a month, so the fact that she was constantly asking her friends to drive to the Lost Woods and answer a series of riddles from trolls just to hang out was even more exasperating. “Last week, she even told us that she couldn’t come out since the prince who was supposed to ride up on his stallion and rescue her never came because he got eaten by a witch or whatever. And now, she’s growing out her hair to be 40-feet long for him? Girl, bye.” At press time, the friend group had decided to host an intervention after discovering that Melissa had fallen into a deep sleep for 10,000 years.
More from The Onion