FISHKILL, NY—In a hastily assembled tribunal during which his traveling companions unanimously handed down the punishment, sources confirmed Tuesday that local friend Brendan Doctson was dishonorably discharged from his navigating duties after causing them to miss an exit. “In light of his gross misconduct in failing to warn us that we should take exit 38 until we had already passed it, we have relieved Brendan of his duties, effective immediately,” said driver Corey Pierce, who officially stripped the disgraced Doctson of his title and rank and relegated him to the back seat for the remainder of the trip. “After receiving a formal warning to stop picking songs on Spotify and focus on the directions, Brendan causing us to miss an exit was simply a step too far. He has made his comrades all late with his negligence, and his conduct is unbefitting of a road-trip navigator. We will not be considering reinstatement at this time.” Following Doctson’s discharge, friend Marshall Anderson was issued control of the driver’s iPhone during a brief ceremony in a KFC parking lot off of exit 41.

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