CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Carefully establishing a reminder lest they lose themselves in a moment of exuberance, fraternity brothers at the University of Virgina’s Sigma Chi chapter made a note Tuesday not to kill a member of their new pledge class during the intense hazing process, as his family happens to own a commodious and secluded lake house. “We have to make sure to go a bit easy on Phillip since his family has that boss lodge in Alexandria,” said fraternity brother Jeffrey Robinson, advising his brothers that the freshman should only perform half the butt-chugging required of standard candidates so that his safety is not put at unusual risk, thereby ensuring their chances at spending time at his family’s lakeside chateau with its attendant pontoon boat and all-season outdoor Jacuzzi. “I heard they have Jet Skis and, like, a big-ass movie theater room, so we should only make him drink 12 beers or so. And if he falls out of a fourth-story window, we have to call an ambulance right away. I know, I know, everyone wants to see him crawling on the ground and choking on his own vomit, but just this once we can wait until after spring break so he can invite us to chill at his parents’ sick holiday home.” At press time, the fraternity brothers found themselves terrified at the possibility that their chances of an awesome vacation were ruined when the 18-year-old pledge became unresponsive after being beaten in the chest and abdomen with an orange-filled sock.

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