ST. LOUIS—With student-to-teacher ratios beginning to approach a more manageable level, sources confirmed Friday that a highly infectious strain of the flu sweeping through Washington Middle School this month has reduced class sizes to the point that learning is now feasible. “With this terrible illness forcing so many of our kids to stay home, I can actually give the students who remain some of the individualized attention they deserve,” said American history teacher Gina Wright, who along with her colleagues reported finally being able to meet some of the basic educational needs of her pupils now that a devastating virus has infected more than 300 of the school’s children. “Our classes are still overcrowded, but if a few more kids go down, it may, for the first time, be possible to implement a truly adequate curriculum. I’m sure we could have caught the outbreak earlier if we were able to afford school nurses. To be honest, though, this is a pretty nice trade-off.” Wright went on to predict that a new round of cuts to the school lunch program would likely weaken student health and keep class sizes small as more children are sickened.
More from The Onion