ATLANTA—As an audio recording provided clear instructions on the procedure during pre-flight safety announcements, a flight attendant for Delta Airlines reportedly walked down the aisle of flight 9143 to London Friday demonstrating the correct way to consume one’s fellow passengers following a crash. “In the unlikely event of a water landing, turn to the person sitting nearest you, ensure they have been properly subdued with a strong blow to the head, and then tear into the fat and muscle of their limbs with your teeth,” the recording stated as a Delta crew member walked down the aisle and held up a model of a human arm and shoulder as a visual aid, allowing travelers to see how best to go about pulling hunks of raw flesh away from the bone in an emergency situation. “With a firm grip on the neck and wrist of your seatmate, gorge yourself fully upon their blood and sinews, continuing in methodical fashion until your appetite has been completely sated. Please note that if you are traveling with a child or person in need of special assistance, these individuals will be much easier to catch and overpower.” The recording went on to remind passengers that tampering with, disabling, and destroying their travel companions will be necessary for their survival.
More from The Onion