Illustration for article titled Field Of Demography Collapses After 92-Year-Old Woman Buys Monster Energy Drink And Sweet Fusion Vape Juice

BOSTON—Revealing that they would immediately halt all research and shutter all relevant university programs, representatives from the field of demographic research and analysis announced at a press conference Wednesday that the discipline had completely collapsed when Alice Cromwell, 92, purchased a Monster energy drink and a sweet fusion vape juice over the weekend. “The undeniable fact that an elderly woman premeditatedly and purposefully selected a can of Monster brand Baller’s Blend Punch energy drink and a cartridge of e-liquid has fundamentally disproven the major tenets of this field of study,” said Boston University’s Dr. Laurence Park moments before voluntarily resigning, noting that the nonagenarian’s decision to use Apple Pay for her purchases and then make her way home on a longboard had significantly hastened the collapse of the discipline. “When the data was first reported, we believed this incident was merely a mistake in data collection, but we ultimately realized that this grandmother of four bought these items completely of her own volition after weighing several purchasing options, and basic extrapolation leads us to conclude that everything we have studied for decades has been a lie.” Park added that any hope for the continued existence for the field had evaporated when Cromwell’s purchase of Metamucil turned out to be a gift for her 12-year-old grandson.


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