BOCA RATON, FL—Deciding it was about time they had “the talk,” local father Timothy Bennet pulled his 13-year-old son Eric aside Monday to explain how sex with his mom works. “Listen, son, you’re getting old enough to learn about the facts of my life with your mom, and I don’t want you hearing this from someone else and getting misinformation,” said the 46-year-old, launching into a step-by-step breakdown of the complicated mating ritual, from “cleaning up around the house” to “taking her temperature” and “getting you damn kids out of the house for a couple hours.” “Now, I know it’s a little embarrassing to talk to your old man about sex with his old lady, but it’s something that every young man wonders about and every dad apparently decides his son needs to hear. More than anything, it’s necessary to be absolutely clear about getting consent, son. I mean, even if it’s been six weeks and you’re starting to wonder where that spark went, no means no, and no whining. Having protection is also vital, because it’s the only way to prevent accidents like the twins from happening, and if you’re thinking about getting a vasectomy, don’t put it off or be a wimp about it. You see, when two people love each other very much, or even just adequately, sex isn’t necessarily about procreation, it’s also about desperately trying to strengthen a bond between two individuals after 23 years. It may be slow at first, but once it gets going, oh, man, it’s all you can do to hang on for dear life and keep telling yourself there’s nothing better in the world.” Bennet concluded the father–son discussion by alluding to, and then suddenly backing away from, the idea that there may be instructional videos with further details about sexual intercourse with his mother.

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