HARRISBURG, PA—Confirming that several dozen individuals have had the title bestowed upon them in recent years, sources reported Friday that the Weber family has exceptionally lax standards for who gets to be called “aunt.” “It appears that if you happen to be a woman over the age of 30, or just have kids of your own, and you walk through the Weber family’s front door, you will be referred to as an aunt by everyone in the household, regardless of whether you’re a blood relative or just a family friend,” said Dawn Newcomb, a longtime coworker of the family’s mother and a designated aunt herself, who explained that the Webers’ virtually nonexistent criteria for earning the appellation had resulted in the creation of a multitude of aunts since the birth of the family’s oldest child, including as many as 10 neighbors, several of the parents’ old college roommates, and at least one babysitter, all in addition to the family’s two biological aunts. “There’s an Aunt Lynn, for example, who was once in a book club with the family’s mother. And then there are two Aunt Jessicas, one of whom appears to have been the short-lived girlfriend of an older cousin who only met the family for a couple hours last Thanksgiving.” Sources noted, however, that the title “uncle” was far harder to attain, explaining that it was solely reserved for direct kin and only the most amusing of the father’s drinking buddies.

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